Paula Rae

I'm baaaaaaack. For real this time 😂 For each and every individual person who stopped me in the store, at the bank, at the mall asking "WHERE IS THE BLOG🤔", thank you. I had no idea you were reading. Had no idea that anyone even cared about my lil blog. Apparently, a lot of us are voyeurs at heart and that's ok. Me too! My apologies. I needed a minute... or 2... or 3... or SEVERAL years to figure me out. I tried to start blogging again a few times and just couldn't get it together. I was stuck. It's been a journey getting from critical condition to where I am now.  I was raising kids, most of which are now grown. To raise good, kind humans that I not only love but also really like as individuals has been an amazing journey. I started my job and got a promotion that increased my income by over 22k at the end of my first year. Seven months later, PANDEMIC. I went through a deep depression. DEEP. DEPRESSION. Key words: went through.  One of my dogs died.  I go...

Working from home, homeschooling, and Covid precautions driving me CRAZY! New content coming soon! 

I'mmmmm BACKKKKKKK!!!! Yeah, I know it's been a while. To kick things off, For the next month I'll be answering the questions I've had emailed to me from people who have read my blog and I've picked this one to start with: "I met you when you were already married to your current husband and knowing you, I couldn't even imagine you ever cheating on him. Why did you cheat on your ex?" Interesting... I had to let this roll around in my mind for a bit. The answer I would've given when I was actively cheating is so far from the true answer that I have now. Back then, my answer would've definitely included a lot about him, what he was doing, and how I was fed up. Though those statements played their part in the decisions I made, but they were ultimately MY decisions. So let's start here: Nope. I had to grow and decide to own my stuff. I cheated because it was a choice I made. I could've made the choice to divorce my ex before I got...

As I sit on my back porch keeping an eye and an ear on my niece as she picks up garbage out of our yard that has float over from the hundreds of kids that live in our neighborhood, a task that she INSISTED on doing, I can't help but to laugh and be grateful for her and her energetic spirit.  I think back, it's almost like my sister started preparing us for her passing while she was pregnant with my niece. She asked me and my husband to be my niece's godparents. She often made me promise that if anything happened to her that I would raise her daughter as my own. Even when we'd argue and avoid talking to each other for a while, as I reckon some sisters do, she'd make sure that we had an understanding that our "adult mess" didn't void our verbal contract. If something happened to Ashley, Ava belonged to me. I always agreed. I would try to avoid the conversations, blow her off in disbelief... but she'd make me promise. So, in our final 2...

That is what I recently asked myself... MY ANSWER: Not where I want to be. *insert many complaints* Then I remembered that in addition to this being my year of saying YES to new experiences (which I've been doing pretty good on so far), the only thing I promised myself on this year was that I would BLOGGING. So, guess who's left feeling like a HUGE failure:  Le sigh. Woe is me.  So, why haven't I been blogging? I've received emails, inboxes, texts, taps on the shoulder, etc ... anything you can imagine, all from people asking me that very question or some rendition of it. I've been blessed to have some really dope conversations with people I didn't even know were following my blog. The initial response was GREAT! So, why wasn't I blogging??????? My answer: Processing... I was processing. Processing having a 7 year old, again. Processing the weird relationship between my mom and I, even after my sister's passing. Processing the f...

February is a BUSY month for my household. It is the first of our 3 month cycle with my bonus kids. There's lots of movement and adjustments to make... a month of getting back into the swing of things, having now 7 kids in 6 different schools with different schedules keeps my mind moving even in the rare moments when my body is not. So, please forgive me. I've been a bad blogger this month. BUT, I do have a few things to cover in this blog post. Though I've been busy, I've seen Black Panther TWICE so far, so let's discuss! Let's just get Black Panther out of the way. A-MAZING! This movie was MORE than an amazing opportunity to see a film that Ryan Coogler put together for us, FULL of people who look like us and our families, about an African King and STRONG African women...  But it was a great Marvel Movie!!!!!! It also showed us what happens when the father is removed... no, murdered, and his son is left behind to figure out his manhood on his own. Ki...

At 19, I stood before some people in a church and took some vows to be a wife. I had NO idea the weight that those vows carried and how I would fail to uphold them... but there I stood, repeating after the pastor that I had requested, in a dress that masked my pregnant belly just right, lying to the people. We've already picked through the foolery that was my first marriage and I thank God that my ex-husband and I were able to forgive each other of the injuries we inflicted upon each other as kids playing house while not realizing that marriage is for grown ups. Our kids have the benefit of us NOT hating each other and having two parents that can sit together along with the other major players in the lives and have discussions concerning them, in peace and love. We are better parents than we were spouses. Going from marriage one  into relationship two, my beau had already told me that he didn't EVER want to be married again. Knowing his truth, I understood and wasn't ...

                                                                  Before we dive in the our topic, let's recap some of the lessons learned in my first month of blogging: 1. It can be emotionally draining to recap some of the most painful experiences of your life 💔 BUT to learn that you've connected with people and that they are benefiting from you bringing some of your deepest, darkest places being brought to light is a humbling experience. To know that you've helped them to know they are NOT alone makes it all worth it. 2. Freedom. If I tell you my business, guess what? YOU GET IT FROM THE SOURCE! At this point, either you are rolling with me or not. No one can come tell you anything about me that you don't already know and if they do you should feel free to come ask me directly instead of whispering among...

Fall of 1999, I was cleaning my apartment and in the cabinet was an open box. Inside that box as one remaining pregnancy test. I decided to take it and throw it away... apparently I needed the tiny amount of space the box took up. I peed on the stick, went back to cleaning, and to my surprise: I was pregnant. I was becoming a mom at 19. August 20, 2000, six days before my 20th birthday, my daughter entered the world! My first child, my first true love❤ She was the most amazing thing ever created (don't argue with me on this) and she was such a joy that when she was 9 months old we decided that we didn't want her to grow up an only child. We decided to have another child so she would have a sibling close in age to grow up with. March 28, 2002, my son, "The Prince of Zamunda" was born. Being their mother is one of thee greatest things i could've ever experienced. These two gave me the reason I needed to make sound decisions. I wasn't afraid of an ora...

After suffering the greatest loss I could imagine, I realized that I HAD to get my life together. I had no other choice. I had become a functioning alcoholic and could stand looking through the kitchen window over the sink, drinking vodka, in silence, for hours while my kids were at school... I had become so depressed that my doctor put me on antidepressants that made me feel as if I was in "the sunken place" and at times I could literally feel what they call "brain zaps." Not good. So, after a few weeks I kicked the antidepressants and released myself from the pit I'd been in and I started on a journey of dissecting how I'd fallen so low from where I thought I once was. In my theory, I had sown adulterous seeds and was reaping the adulterous fruit I had earned: 1. My son was stillborn.  2. I was suffering from extreme depression.  3. I was having anxiety attacks.  4. When two people entry a relationship through the door of adulte...