Unpacking, Volume 6: Mom, Step Mom, Bonus Mom

Fall of 1999, I was cleaning my apartment and in the cabinet was an open box. Inside that box as one remaining pregnancy test. I decided to take it and throw it away... apparently I needed the tiny amount of space the box took up. I peed on the stick, went back to cleaning, and to my surprise: I was pregnant. I was becoming a mom at 19. August 20, 2000, six days before my 20th birthday, my daughter entered the world! My first child, my first true love❤

She was the most amazing thing ever created (don't argue with me on this) and she was such a joy that when she was 9 months old we decided that we didn't want her to grow up an only child. We decided to have another child so she would have a sibling close in age to grow up with. March 28, 2002, my son, "The Prince of Zamunda" was born.

Being their mother is one of thee greatest things i could've ever experienced. These two gave me the reason I needed to make sound decisions. I wasn't afraid of an orange jumpsuit but I was afraid of ANYTHING keeping me from making it home to them. They were mine. I owed it to them to be there creating an environment of peace and love for them. I was a stay at home mom until my son was walking and talking (about 18 months). They have always shared me with other children. With me working in childcare, running children's ministry, or doing different nanny gigs, they have always unselfishly shared me. I'm sure the early years prepared them for what our life would become.

Marrying my husband, we combined tribes. I went from leading a tribe of two children to leading a tribe of six children. Unfortunately, I spent a lot of that time as a Step Mom. In my opinion, Step Mom's get stepped on: they do and do and do, continuously over stretching themselves, getting resentment and disrespect in return. As soon as we got married, we had all of the kids full time for 1.5-2 years. During that time, we were still finding our footing as a blended family. "✌They✌" estimate that it can take 2-5 years for blended families to adjust and that's in ideal circumstances... so it has definitely taken us wayyyyyyyy more than that, but God had a plan.

Having the kids full time immediately after we got married, which was a year before our wedding and anyone knowing we were married, was important. I was handling the daily maternal responsibilities of all the children and I loved them. They rebelled and I loved them. They missed their mom and I loved them. They worked my nerves and I loved them. They were ours and I loved them. So when their mother returned and resented my role in their lives, I spent years in the "Step Mom" realm. I had to fight for respect, to establish rules in my own house, and to regain control of my own time... or did I? 

NO. I had allowed myself to become a Self Martyred Step Mom. Woe was I, lol. Realizing this, I began to change my views and become a Bonus Mom. I love all of our children and I also love myself and have standards. So, after their mom and grandmother sat a couple of my bonus children down and told them that I "stole their father and cheated on my ex-husband," only to have those bonus children report back to all their siblings, including my two, (which lead to discord and a huge blow up in our home) I had the perfect opportunity to either pull up on the enemy with these hands OR own my truth and have an honest conversations with my part of our tribe while my husband did the same with his part of our tribe, which opened the door to the freedom of becoming a true Bonus Mom.

As a Bonus Mom, I love them unconditionally and I get the opportunity to be an asset while their parents do the parenting. Their mom is their mom and my husband is their dad. I don't have to make up for any deficiencies from their mom (I spent years trying to be Super Mom to try to make up for what i felt were shortcomings from their mother.) My job is to love the children and hold them accountable to the standard their dad and I expect from them and to be a support system to my husband. I'm trusted with secrets. My opinions and advice are valued. I get to help influence four more, awesome individuals grow into amazing adults. All while NOT sub coming to the self inflicted abuse, disrespect, and martyrdom that many Step Mom's find themselves drowning in. I've been there and we've managed to grow our family in the midst of adversity. We are proof that blended families CAN WORK even if a co-parent is dead set on destroying the relationships with you and the children. Consistency and love can beat the enemy. Our family is continuing to thrive and I am enjoying being both Mom and Bonus Mom to these amazing human beings.

In August 2017, my younger sister passed away. She left us her most prized possession: her daughter/my niece! She has been our baby her whole life and weren't only her aunt/uncle but also her godparents. She has a huge personality and is a 6 year old handful. Our tribe had almost all crossed over to the brink of their teen aged years and we were just starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel... and God ushers in a 1st grader. We love her  and God's sense of humor to pieces❤

Our tribe is now, hopefully, complete😊

Next Post: Unpacking, Volume 7: Learning to be a Wife (Final Post of the Unpacking Series)

Feel free to comment on the blog, on Facebook @PDashRae, or email Paula@P-Rae.com