Unpacking, Volume 4: Justin

Newton's Third Law of Motion: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Karma refers to the spiritual principle of cause and effect where intent and actions of an individual (cause) influence the future of that individual (effect). Good intent and good deed contribute to good karma and future happiness, while bad intent and bad deed contribute to bad karma and future suffering.

But, as a Christian, it was simple: You reap what you sow.

i could've titled this volume "The Reaping" but I decided to instead name it after the most devastating "L" I took during the season of reaping the seeds I had sown during The Great Rebellion. When I was in my 20's sowing seeds of rebellion and craziness, I hung my hat on the fact that I was a good mom. I took good care of my two children so as long as I didn't make any decisions that would impede upon that, I was good. Not so. 

As long as I sowed good seed, kept my hands clean, and did what was right in spite of anyone else's wrong doing, I was covered and I prospered. When I took a season where I was reaping good seed from the previous good sowing and used it to rebel against my marriage, I violated my covenant with God and for that, I would pay.

I found out I was pregnant in May or June 2008. I was on birth control and my period came like clockwork... until it didn't. I had been working, drinking, and partying. I recalled being sick and vomiting a couple mornings after partying and took a test. I couldn't believe it. Boyfriend #2 had four children from his marriage and I had two. That plus the baby I was carrying made SEVEN. When I told him, I expected his head to explode. Surprisingly, it didn't. He also proposed while i was pregnant, which made me pause a little. I didn't want him to feel that he had to marry me because of the baby, but because he loved me.

This was the weirdest pregnancy for me. I was sick, so sick that i would just sit in the shower and cry sometimes. Once the doctors figured out what was wrong and fixed it, I felt better but something was still off. I had two previous children and I loved to shop for baby stuff. I didn't buy one thing. Not one my entire pregnancy. We both were working, both had money, we window shopped for strollers and baby beds but I refused to purchase. During my third trimester, Boyfriend #2 finally got his divorce finalized after it dragged on for more than six months. 

Our child was scheduled to be delivered on February 14, 2009... he was our love child after all. The week leading up to his birth I missed my Tuesday appointment because one of my bonus-kids-to-be was suspended from school. I drug him out to my Thursday appointment on February 12th to get all the details finalized for the big day... and the nurse could not find his heartbeat. She ran to get the doctor and the doctor could not find his heartbeat. They then took me through some back corridors from the doctor's office to the ultrasound tech at the attached hospital, only for him to confirm for me that his heartbeat was gone.

i was numb. I was silent. My doctor expressed his sympathy and allowed me to leave and make decisions with the father of my son. I drove across town, walked into his job, and together we left to gather the children and someone to care for them because my son's father refused to believe that our son was gone. He refused to believe it and had called my doctor to demand that he meet us at the hospital that night to do the c-section and prove it. Hearing his unbelief gave me hope that he could be right. The doctor could be wrong.

Unfortunately, the doctor was correct. On the evening of February 12, 2009 our son, Justin Alexander Hinton was stillborn. I remember holding him in my arms. 10 fingers, 10 toes, my only child that didn't look like me. My Chocolate Drop. 

I never once questioned God. Not one "Why me?" I knew why, I'd ran a children's ministry for years and was well acquainted with my Bible. I learned from David and Bathsheba that there was a consequence when you were as close to God as I once was and committed adultery. 

Sure, my finances, peace of mind, and sanity took MAJOR hits during "The Reaping" but the biggest hit was having a funeral for my son.

**

Galatians 6: 7 

Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.

Job 4:8

According to what I have seen, those who plow iniquity and those who sow trouble, harvest it.

Next post: Unpacking, Volume 5: The Fruit of Adultery

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