Unpacking, Volume 5: The Fruit of Adultery

After suffering the greatest loss I could imagine, I realized that I HAD to get my life together. I had no other choice.

I had become a functioning alcoholic and could stand looking through the kitchen window over the sink, drinking vodka, in silence, for hours while my kids were at school... I had become so depressed that my doctor put me on antidepressants that made me feel as if I was in "the sunken place" and at times I could literally feel what they call "brain zaps."

Not good.

So, after a few weeks I kicked the antidepressants and released myself from the pit I'd been in and I started on a journey of dissecting how I'd fallen so low from where I thought I once was. In my theory, I had sown adulterous seeds and was reaping the adulterous fruit I had earned:

1. My son was stillborn. 

2. I was suffering from extreme depression. 

3. I was having anxiety attacks. 

4. When two people entry a relationship through the door of adultery, one thing you know about their partner is that they are fully capable of infidelity. The evidence of this fact is you (in my case, me), LOL! So, enters insecurity.

Insecurity. And not for no reason at all. Because women have intuition. Lemonade was a few years too late to have me walking behind Beyonce in the field with our matching black hoodies on...

Clearly he had me messed up! So, how you get 'em is REALLY how you lose 'em, huh? I immediately traded depression for ANGER. Did it make it to intercourse? NO. Did I care that it didn't make it to intercourse? NO! All I knew was that I was pissed and had it been the other way around he would've lost his mind. This is when I realized that I was a runner. How easy it would've been to pack up my two kids and...

but I loved him... like reallllllly loved him... and he swore that he loved me, didn't want to be without me, AND that his actions had nothing to do with me (🤔 hmm... what a concept). Enter, who we will often refer to in this blog, as "The Oracle."

The Oracle, my now friend who was NOT my friend at the time of this infidelity, was one of the reasons I gave my marriage the one 2nd chance that it needed. The Oracle and I had known each other in passing and had only spoke maybe two sentences to each other EVER before this. We had a mutual friend, who knew we weren't friends, who had proceeded to tell me all this woman's business: MESSY, RIGHT?????? But as I was going through this turmoil of my own, The Oracle was all I could think about. From the outside, she was the total package: beautiful, educated, hard working, a good mother, and her mate always publicly praised her. She didn't know me. In about 3 years of passing each other, we had ONE conversation with very few words. But, if the rumors I'd been told were true, The Oracle could answer the one question I had: How do I stay?

I reached out to The Oracle, I believe via Facebook Messenger. She responded quickly and was more than willing to speak with me openly about her own experiences. I was in shock that she didn't cuss me out for inquiring about her personal business. This was my first time witnessing a woman openly expose her private life for the purpose of helping someone she didn't know so effortlessly.

As for my question, her answer was simple:
Her: Do you love him?
Me: Yes
Her: Do you believe he really loves you?
Me: Yes
Her: ...and he's asking for the opportunity to fix it?
Me: Yes
Her: Let him.

Let him fix it. After all, I could always leave. It was time to renegotiate my relationship contract.

You cheated on your ex-wife with me☑

I cheated on my ex-husband with you☑

If any of this is EVER going to work, you need to know that I will leave you before I go through another relationship like the one I'd left.

I'm a firm believer that YOU teach people how to treat YOU.

Luckily, he was at a place in his life that he was ready to make some changes❤

...how long do you take to forgive someone????? Like honestly, forgive them FOR REAL??????? Shamefully, it took me YEARS! SMH, I know. We will deal with forgiveness in a future blog.

Next post: Unpacking, Volume 6: Mom, Step Mom, Bonus Mom