Unpacking, Volume 7: Learning to be a Wife
At 19, I stood before some people in a church and took some vows to be a wife. I had NO idea the weight that those vows carried and how I would fail to uphold them... but there I stood, repeating after the pastor that I had requested, in a dress that masked my pregnant belly just right, lying to the people.
We've already picked through the foolery that was my first marriage and I thank God that my ex-husband and I were able to forgive each other of the injuries we inflicted upon each other as kids playing house while not realizing that marriage is for grown ups. Our kids have the benefit of us NOT hating each other and having two parents that can sit together along with the other major players in the lives and have discussions concerning them, in peace and love. We are better parents than we were spouses.
Going from marriage one into relationship two, my beau had already told me that he didn't EVER want to be married again. Knowing his truth, I understood and wasn't so sure myself that I was gonna want to be married again anytime soon, so we were good. Then one day, when I was pregnant with our son, surprisingly, he proposed. I accepted.
I accepted, but let's be honest: I was NOT ready to be anyone's wife.
As we stand in our 9th year of marriage, I'm here to tell you marriage is hard work. The statistics in the United States indicate 67% of second marriages AND 50% of blended families FAIL. Add to that, that studies show that only 10% of people leave their marriage for their affair partner and only 25% of those relationships last. We've always known that the odds were stacked against us and we've always had to be that much more mindful of situations and how we deal with each other.
We've already picked through the foolery that was my first marriage and I thank God that my ex-husband and I were able to forgive each other of the injuries we inflicted upon each other as kids playing house while not realizing that marriage is for grown ups. Our kids have the benefit of us NOT hating each other and having two parents that can sit together along with the other major players in the lives and have discussions concerning them, in peace and love. We are better parents than we were spouses.
Going from marriage one into relationship two, my beau had already told me that he didn't EVER want to be married again. Knowing his truth, I understood and wasn't so sure myself that I was gonna want to be married again anytime soon, so we were good. Then one day, when I was pregnant with our son, surprisingly, he proposed. I accepted.
I accepted, but let's be honest: I was NOT ready to be anyone's wife.
As we stand in our 9th year of marriage, I'm here to tell you marriage is hard work. The statistics in the United States indicate 67% of second marriages AND 50% of blended families FAIL. Add to that, that studies show that only 10% of people leave their marriage for their affair partner and only 25% of those relationships last. We've always known that the odds were stacked against us and we've always had to be that much more mindful of situations and how we deal with each other.
As a woman, I entered this marriage even more ill prepared than my first. I had baggage that I should've worked through before I spoke those vows again. Also, I had never taken the time to find out who I was as a woman. I didn't have an example of what a good wife was or what a happy marriage looked like.
But, I loved my husband. I loved our family. I had to learn how to be a wife and pray I could become a good one.
First, we got married at the courthouse a year before our wedding without telling anyone. We began marriage counseling, a lot of which was trial and error. Some counselors he felt sided with me and some I felt sided with me. Eventually we met an awesome counselor that helped us sustain through the first few years. (THANK YOU, PAUL!!!) In more recent years, we've occasionally dropped into our pastor's office for what I'll now call a "✌refresher✌", but what once was like Clash of the Titans. (THANK YOU, PR!!!!!!) PAUSE: Shout out to my pastor who still took my calls and allowed me back into his office after the heathen who is Paula let her naughty words fly in his office.
I connected myself to women whose character I watched in all arenas and knew that I could trust. Most people can't tell me anything... but there are a few women that I hold close who I know love me and want what's best for me. They can hit me up and snatch my life right together if I get out in these streets acting a fool. When they speak, I listen. If I complain about my husband and I'M WRONG, they will side with him, and if I give the devil the wrong reaction, they check me. I have women in my small circle that I can laugh with, cry with, pray with, and just truly be myself with and they have been a blessing on this journey.
I had to be real about my flaws and they were numerous (this is a brief list.). I'm petty... BIG PETTY... and I'm a professional shade thrower. I don't like to have to ask my husband for anything. I have been known to overreact... and then later realized that I could've done it a better way. I hate folding clothes. I don't like to be controlled, so submission was difficult for me. I am over protective of my children... and husband... and dogs.... I'm territorial. I'm not often wrong, so when I am I often seek a loophole because I'm probably still right depending on how you look at it. There's so much more, but what I would say was thee absolute worst: My mouth. I have to REALLY watch what I say and how I say it. I can be a verbal assassin so I have to take sabbaticals from talking. God will smack me in the mouth with a Season of Silence when I get carried away with my words. I've come to appreciate the growth that occurs in those seasons. I have learned to be more kind in my dealings with people, because ultimately, I LOVE PEOPLE. God can't use you to help people if you are going to allow your tongue to destroy them. You will drive them away from you, and depending on your position in life, away from God. So, character building has been extremely important for me. I'm constantly learning what areas I need to be checked in and trying to train my face that rests in a questionable fashion.
Specifically, as a wife, I have to admit that I have it easy. My husband gets me. He gets my brand of comedy (especially when it's not about him). He actually told me a couple weeks back that he JUST realized that I have flaws! This is proof that it is true: Love covers a multitude of sins! I promise I went from "You're Perfect" to "Did you just leave this ice tray empty?" in motnhs after living together. Why? Because your girl is PETTY! He loves me and even in his craziest moments, I've come to never doubt it. We would fight and be mad, I'd threaten divorce (because THAT'S what runners do) and then two days later we'd talk and realize that we aren't ever going anywhere. Even if we separated, we'd still want to live on the same block, and anyone who got into a relationship with one of us would have to accept our family: all the kids, each other, and joint custody of our dogs. He is my best friend. We've had to forgive each other of some things along this journey but I can't imagine being on this journey with anyone else. He loves my children as his own and works hard to provide for us. He believes in anything I dream up and tells me everyday that he loves me. He demands respect for me and even when I rock a ponytail and sweats for months as I deal with whatever my newest tragedy is, he still tells me I'm beautiful and in his eyes I know he means it. Sure, we don't always agree, my mouth is smart, and some days my attitude is horrible because it's dark and cold at 5:30 am, or just because its any day but Friday... but this man has studied me for years and I'm sure that he is striving to make it one of his life's greatest accomplishments to be able to understand me, support me,and love me the way I need to be understood, supported, and loved. Most days I'm unsure of what I've ever done to deserve him, but I thank God that he's seen fit to bless me with him. We are far from perfect. Marriage is, and I stress, HARD WORK! The idea of an effortless fairy tale is a LIE! You marry someone with their OWN life's experiences, before they ever had a thought of you. It can get rough out in these commitment streets!!!!! ... but he mkes me want to be a better me. It hasn't ever been easy to be his wife, but it is always been worth it.
Find you somebody who is worth it and makes you want to be better❤
I had to be real about my flaws and they were numerous (this is a brief list.). I'm petty... BIG PETTY... and I'm a professional shade thrower. I don't like to have to ask my husband for anything. I have been known to overreact... and then later realized that I could've done it a better way. I hate folding clothes. I don't like to be controlled, so submission was difficult for me. I am over protective of my children... and husband... and dogs.... I'm territorial. I'm not often wrong, so when I am I often seek a loophole because I'm probably still right depending on how you look at it. There's so much more, but what I would say was thee absolute worst: My mouth. I have to REALLY watch what I say and how I say it. I can be a verbal assassin so I have to take sabbaticals from talking. God will smack me in the mouth with a Season of Silence when I get carried away with my words. I've come to appreciate the growth that occurs in those seasons. I have learned to be more kind in my dealings with people, because ultimately, I LOVE PEOPLE. God can't use you to help people if you are going to allow your tongue to destroy them. You will drive them away from you, and depending on your position in life, away from God. So, character building has been extremely important for me. I'm constantly learning what areas I need to be checked in and trying to train my face that rests in a questionable fashion.
Specifically, as a wife, I have to admit that I have it easy. My husband gets me. He gets my brand of comedy (especially when it's not about him). He actually told me a couple weeks back that he JUST realized that I have flaws! This is proof that it is true: Love covers a multitude of sins! I promise I went from "You're Perfect" to "Did you just leave this ice tray empty?" in motnhs after living together. Why? Because your girl is PETTY! He loves me and even in his craziest moments, I've come to never doubt it. We would fight and be mad, I'd threaten divorce (because THAT'S what runners do) and then two days later we'd talk and realize that we aren't ever going anywhere. Even if we separated, we'd still want to live on the same block, and anyone who got into a relationship with one of us would have to accept our family: all the kids, each other, and joint custody of our dogs. He is my best friend. We've had to forgive each other of some things along this journey but I can't imagine being on this journey with anyone else. He loves my children as his own and works hard to provide for us. He believes in anything I dream up and tells me everyday that he loves me. He demands respect for me and even when I rock a ponytail and sweats for months as I deal with whatever my newest tragedy is, he still tells me I'm beautiful and in his eyes I know he means it. Sure, we don't always agree, my mouth is smart, and some days my attitude is horrible because it's dark and cold at 5:30 am, or just because its any day but Friday... but this man has studied me for years and I'm sure that he is striving to make it one of his life's greatest accomplishments to be able to understand me, support me,and love me the way I need to be understood, supported, and loved. Most days I'm unsure of what I've ever done to deserve him, but I thank God that he's seen fit to bless me with him. We are far from perfect. Marriage is, and I stress, HARD WORK! The idea of an effortless fairy tale is a LIE! You marry someone with their OWN life's experiences, before they ever had a thought of you. It can get rough out in these commitment streets!!!!! ... but he mkes me want to be a better me. It hasn't ever been easy to be his wife, but it is always been worth it.
Find you somebody who is worth it and makes you want to be better❤
